Ashamed…

Posted on April 2, 2011

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At one time of my life, for many years I lived in a beautiful house, was very comfortable and didnt leave for want for anything.  The man in my life who I lived with was to me at that time the most wonderful person to ever step into my life.  I loved him…truly and deeply.  I really thought that one day we would marry and my life with him would be my life always.

That all changed…almost instantly everything that was up was down…and it took me a long time to even understand what had happened.  He felt I was falling apart because everything he had given me was “slipping through my fingers” as he put it.  That I could care less about, yes it was fantastic but considering I grew up with nothing and was used to nothing, the last thing I was scared of losing was the material things.  What scared me then, now, before then, and unless I get a grip on myself…always…is the fear that I am that easy to let go of, leave behind, and be done with.  The fear that I was that worthless…that unnecessary.

Since our breakup, he hired me into his company to work for him full time…but then in the last couple of months something happened that really turned me upside down…he hired someone else to replace all of the work I had ever done for him.  Erased. Gone.  10 years of work I put in was replaced…just like me.  I tried to take it in stride but the more I thought about it, the more second-rate I became, the more of nothing I became, the more useless I felt.  Its almost like he dumped me again 6 years later.

I have a confession to make…it has been a month since Ive reported in to work.  Yes I need the money, no I have no idea how Im going to pay my rent this month…but the whole situation has made me so depressed that I started having dark thoughts that havnt gone through my mind in nearly 12 years.  My idea of motivation was that I have a daughter to live for…that I need to hold myself together for at least another 4 years until shes an adult and then I can just remove myself from everyones life once and for all.

12 years ago, I was absolutely terrified at what I was capable of doing to myself, and what might have been if I had succeeded.  Now…I dont know, Ive felt more at peace with it…like its the eventual that will work out better for everyone especially me, since I will no longer be in the way, on the verge of being abandoned, left behind, discarded and unwanted.

I should be asleep right now, but instead I got very curious….looked him up on google and god the things I found.  I knew he had his kinks and his ways about him, but it has grown to lengths that even surprises me.  Whatever, thats what he wants to do with his life and I wont even get into it here.  The resulting though is…this man I lived with, loved and wanted to spend the rest of my life with is….man I dont even know how to put it!  This is a “how do you say this in English” moment, crazy since English is my first and only language…but theres a word for it out there somewhere.

The thing is..the people writing about him, even those who think theyve got him figured out still state what I know are lies as deep truths they understand about him.  Heck, even his gf has told me that being older and wiser (than me I suppose was her dig) she has a handle on him in a way no other woman could.  And even she went on to say things that I knew were blatant untruths but who am I to correct her.

Im not even going to be presumptious enough to say I have him figured out or know the whole truth…it has been several years since we’ve talked at much length about our personal lives, and I hadnt purposely looked for him online in so long that I really nearly forgot about this side of him… but it seems this side of him has grown and-powered the side I loved, and even the side I worked for.  And yeah, some of the things I read, and the pictures I saw…it really made me realize that this man, the whole thing…was a complete and total lie.  Just what I suspected all along.

Not much different than my recent ex….its hard to separate what is real, what meant something, and what was a lie when I know he doesnt want me.  No different than my ex husband. No different than my mother. No different than even the insignificant people in my life who never became more than that because they deemed me too insignificant to cultivate anything with.

Ask anyone…all I ever hear people say about me is how sweet I am, how nice I am, that Im pretty and could have any guy I wanted…but you know what?  No matter how many times I hear it, and even knowing that those who say it do mean well…the only proof I have to what I am what what I mean to anyone is that they all eventually want nothing to do with me and the best part is…they have no explanation.    Im wonderful, sweet, beautiful on the inside and out, and they will always love me.  Yeah, all of them will always love me…but none of them, no one actually wants me.

And that leads me back around to my dark thoughts….Im so easily replaceable anyway.  Im always being replaced before theyve totally gotten rid of me anyway.

Now this is going to sound so ridiculous but at this second, its my reality…getting the job I have at the restaurant is the best thing I could have ever done.  Yes when I mess up Im called out on it…but when Im doing a great job it never goes unnoticed.  Whether its something small that I should be doing anyway, or something major I go out of my way to do, its appreciated.  No matter how crappy my day is, I know that when I walk in there, the first thing I will hear is everyone saying hi to me, joking with me, smiling and happy to see me.  The entire shift, even when its crazy, busy, stressful…it still feels fantastic and I love being there.

So now instead of a beautiful house and want for nothing…I sit here in my crappy apartment, scared to work out my budget cause I know how tight its going to be, and my fridge practically empty, but when I come home and tell kiddo about my day, shes really happy for me…for the first time Im happy all the time…not always complaining about my job, or the latest thing my ex/boss and his gf are doing or saying to make miserable…even my recent ex and his shenanigans dont affect me like they used to.   Ive gone from either being in a bad mood, snapping, sleeping and crying all the time to getting my ass up and moving and really enjoying life both on my own and with her.  Ive noticed too shes a lot less timid around me…I think shes starting to get used to me not being a lit fuse at all times.

I dont even have time for dark thoughts really..though you might not be able to tell it from the first part of this posting….yes I do have my dark feelings, but they are not bursting out of me from every seam like they have been especially over this past year and a half.  Instead, Im either working or exhausted or out doing something with kiddo or out having fun.  For the first time ever, Im actually dating, Im having a good time with people and well…I could get used to this.

I dont care if I have to bust my ass working crazy long hours to make ends meet…if I love my job, and I enjoy the people I surround myself with, and I keep going at this pace…maybe, possibly I will be able to get to a point in my life where I can really work on this darkness that has been inside of me for as long as I can remember.

Im so tired of being reminded over and again of how useless I am….of how no one wants me…of how easy I am to let go of.  I know its stupid, but yeah…this job has worked wonders for me already in my personal life and motivating me to really keep going….longer than those 4 years maybe.  Maybe I wont be so ashamed of who Ive loved, and what Ive done to try and be loved like that in return.  Maybe something good will come of this so called life.  Maybe…

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Posted in: Self